I had a situation recently where I found myself growing increasingly frustrated with some people because of their seeming lack of empathy towards another person. The people wanted to simply put the one person in the rear-view mirror, feeling justified in doing so because of some recent behavior. I wanted them to be more understanding and, perhaps, more forgiving. What I wanted was for these people to see what I saw, and know what I knew, and therefore realize more fully what had been some of the reasons for the behavior that triggered this change of emotions.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t at liberty to reveal fully what I knew, so that these people might be able to see what I saw. That happens frequently in my line of work. Pastors are often told things that are only revealed with the understanding that they will never be repeated. I get to understand what a person is going through, but it remains the right of that person to keep private what they want to keep private, and make public what they want to make public. Based on my experiences, most people don’t want the rest of the world to know what they are struggling with. What we often don’t realize is that the struggles, while being kept quiet, will occasionally shape behaviors that are easily observed. We might do things that we wouldn’t otherwise do absent those struggles, because our energy and emotions are being drained by things going on behind the scenes.
Sometimes people are rude simply because they are rude. Yet sometimes, people are rude because they are so pre-occupied with something else that they just don’t remember to be polite. Sometimes people will walk away from a pleasant conversation because something triggered a painful memory. Sometimes people will isolate themselves because they need the solitude to work through things in their lives. And sometimes people will say a mean or hurtful thing, because they are wounded and didn’t have the energy to hold their tongue. When you know more about what is going on, you begin to understand how the circumstances have shaped the behavior. But when you don’t know those details, it can be easy to make judgements about that person.
It is easy to condemn others for behavior that seems inappropriate on the surface. Yet there is a reason why the term “mitigating circumstances” is such an important phrase in our criminal justice system. Without necessarily excusing an action or behavior, the courts acknowledge that mercy is an appropriate response based upon circumstances that have been revealed in the effort to understand the whole truth. What we might benefit from is the understanding that there may be mitigating circumstances that we will never know about. Is it right to withhold mercy because we were ignorant of the whole truth?
When you find yourself dealing with behavior that seems uncharacteristic, would you please pause for a moment to consider that maybe there is much more going on behind the scenes in that person’s life than you will ever know? And then, consider taking the next step and being merciful.
Peace and blessings – Pastor Aaron