One of the unwritten rules for being a part of our island community has historically been to “live and let live.” Separated from the rest of the world, with minimal government presence, people have long taken the perspective that, if consenting adults want to partake in certain behavior that seems to only impact themselves, then why should we prevent or discourage that behavior? This has certainly been the case when it comes to using recreational drugs and drinking because, after all, a person is free to make their own choices.
As the son of an alcoholic, I know the flaw in that thinking. As the son-in-law of an alcoholic, I know the flaw in that thinking. As a first responder who has been on the scene of accidents caused by those driving under the influence, I know the flaw in that thinking. And as a pastor who has had to help people deal with the tattered remains of their lives because of loved one’s personal choices, I know the flaw in that thinking. You see, what is so often viewed as a personal choice that impacts only the person making the choice will impact other people, sometimes in truly devastating ways. Unfortunately, until the impacts are so bad that they are seen beyond the confines of an individual’s home, most people want to continue to believe that the impact of individual choices is only felt by the individual.
At a bar, or at a party, the legal system usually acknowledges that the only other person beyond the individual in question who is accountable for the behavior of an individual is the person or company providing the substance to the individual. That’s why bartenders are required to stop serving obviously intoxicated customers. But unless the person is drinking alone at the bar, there are usually others participating in the same behavior with that individual, promoting it and encouraging it, because they are enjoying participating in it as well. Sure, they may know that their friend has had too much, and they may know that their judgement and behavior is altered, but since the idea is to live and let live, they keep up the thought that no one is really harmed by what is going on. And besides, we all make our own choices, and true friends let their friends make their own choices. After all, doesn’t love require that we let our friends do whatever makes them happiest? And if things get too messy, doesn’t love require that we cover it up as best as possible and pretend it never happened?
Unfortunately, enabling behavior has forever been confused as loving behavior, so what is thought to be the right response is actually the response that ultimately makes things much worse. And while it may be the bartender who is found to be legally responsible, those who enabled the behavior are morally responsible. Those folks were in a position to influence behavior, encouraging healthier choices, but they decided not to. Even if they knew that things were bad, they decided to stay quiet or, even worse, show their support by taking part in the same behavior with them. We wouldn’t say that the loving thing to do is hold the gun up to our friend’s head so that they can more easily pull the trigger, but that is exactly what is happening when we enable instead of truly loving as we should.
Truly loving requires looking beyond immediate happiness, to see what ultimately brings joy. A fun night out might bring memories and laughter, but if a family is shattered as a result, there will be no joy.
As we find ourselves now in the middle of the holiday season, there will be many gatherings where there will be plenty of food and drink and a spirit of celebration. Have a good time and enjoy these events, but do so with an understanding that loving your neighbor as yourself requires that you be honest with your friends and neighbors. You have the ability and loving obligation to suggest that they call it a night instead of heading back to the bar, and if they put up a fuss, recognize that part of the problem is that chemicals alter how they think, leading to poor decision making. That’s just more reason for you to stand in the way.
My prayer is that you will all enjoy this holiday season, recalling that the reason we celebrate the birth of Christ is that God realized that we all have made poor decisions, leading us to sin and suffering. Yet God, in his love and mercy, sent his only begotten Son to bring us the truth and demonstrate the extent to which love will go for another. This holiday season, may we boldly model that same sort of love in our community.
Peace and blessings – Pastor Aaron